Bigot’s Rights

Melvin Bedford Blunt is a bigot. He hates just about everybody who differs from him in any significant way. And it’s high time he got some respect.

I want to thank the politically-correct editorial writers of America for giving me the courage to speak out and demand that Americans everywhere respect Melvin’s bigotry. After all, at least ten percent of Americans are bigots. (We know this to be a fact because it has been repeated innumerable times in print.) Many of these bigots never come out of the closet, fearing public ridicule. Some closet bigots even maintain relationships with people of different religions and ethnicities, hoping to mask their true orientation. But bigotry is a lifestyle as old as mankind, and those of us who value diversity are obligated to stand up for the bigot community and insist that they be accepted in the American mainstream just as they are.

Melvin Blunt never asked to be a bigot. He just is one. As far back as his childhood, he remembers not liking black people, brown people, blond people, Bolivians and Baptists. As he moved through adolescence, some adult bigots helped him get in touch with his true identity by taking him to Klan rallies and marches (otherwise known as “Bigot Pride Parades”). His horizons expanded as his latent bigot consciousness grew to include a distaste for Lithuanians, Libertarians, and lovers of Louis Lamour.

Melvin’s personal orientation has always elicited scorn and rejection from his community. Preachers rail at bigots from their pulpits, self-righteously judging their lifestyle choice. The whole bigot community is shunned by civic groups and discriminated against in the workplace.  Hispanic employers don’t want to hire Melvin just because he calls them “burrito benders” in the privacy of his own bedroom. What about Melvin’s constitutional right to privacy? What happens in an American’s own chat room between consenting adults is nobody else’s business. You cannot punish a man just because he rails against Republicans, Romanians, rent collectors and the Rotary Club. Where are you, ACLU?

Even when Melvin served his country with valor in the Fort Dix motor pool, he was subjected to the humiliating “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule. He longed to stand proud before his fellow soldiers and explain why America was all about protecting his right to hate anybody he chose. But that door was slammed in his face. No, Melvin didn’t want to recruit new bigots. He just wanted the Army to respect his desire to dislike doctors, Democrats, doormen, and Dodge dealers. But Melvin’s commanding officer told him point-blank that the Army would not tolerate intolerance, and that the only way Melvin could keep his stripes was to keep his bigot lifestyle a secret.

Over the years, various people have suggested that Melvin could stop being a bigot, if only he wanted to. Self-proclaimed “former bigots” offer counseling to “help” people like Melvin. Such arrogance! Why can’t they just accept him for who he is? By discriminating against Melvin, such people are just exposing their own hidden bigoted urges, no matter how much they deny it. Every diversity proponent doesn’t like somebody. The popularity of David Duke, Louis Farrakhan, and White Men Can’t Jump speaks for itself. I say it’s high time to expose the hypocrisy.

America needs to stop the hate and antagonism of bigoted people as part of the mainstream of public discourse. It would help if we retired the term “bigot” altogether, in favor of a more culturally-sensitive designation: Selective-American. But our government is the key. Americans should expect, no, demand that the next administration appoint at least one Selective-American to a cabinet post. We could get Selective-Americans to lecture in our elementary schools during Cultural Diversity Week. Let our children decide for themselves whether the Selective lifestyle is for them, free from the parochial pressures of parental prejudice. It’s time, America, to strike a blow for legally-mandated tolerance of intolerance. Intolerance of intolerance must no longer be tolerated in our bright and shiny land of the free.

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